Fear.. It’s dark, thick, and heavy, it threatens to suffocate me. I can’t give in, or I will drown..
No, I can’t give in, I won’t give in to the fear. It’s real enough.. But my God is more… He gives me songs, scripture, and constantly reminds me He is there. But this is a choice, I could allow my fear to run rampant. That would be so easy. If I look just slightly away from the Lord, it is right there, it’s real.. It’s ready, growing, powerful, angry, and wanting another victim. I won’t be that person, I will keep looking at my Savior. My powerful, gentle, all consuming and relentless love…my source of strength and security.
Psalm 23:4 NLT “Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.”
I am faced with frightening possibilities, and an unknown diagnosis at this point. I have to have an angiogram done in a couple of days. This is after a visit yesterday with my neurologist, to receive my Botox treatment for my migraines. I mentioned that I passed out three consecutive times, a couple of weeks ago. I also told her about the now daily episodes, of nearly passing out. She sent me to my neurosurgeon immediately. He ordered an MRI of my head and neck with contrast. After reviewing them, he said he is very concerned, because I have narrowing of a main artery that goes into my brain. Thus the need for an angiogram.
I know what that could mean, so I feel a bit like a ticking time bomb. Waiting is hard… If this is what he’s thinking, I could die.
If I allow the fear to take control, and it’s right there.. I will lose all hope. But my hope is in the Lord, no matter the outcome.
I would be lying to say that that fear doesn’t constantly creep up, and take a hold of me. Even more so the Lord keeps reminding me He is right here… Look at me He says. Look to Me, seek Me, rest in Me.. So that is what I am doing. Every single day, second after second. the fear will come back, relentless in it’s greedy pursuit. But God is far more relentless, in love and drawing me near to him, covering me, shielding, with the feathers of His mighty wings.. Yes, I will take refuge there.. If God is for me, who can be against me?
Psalm 91:1-4 ESV “Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” Surely he will save you from the fowler’s snare
and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.”
When the fear doesn’t take hold of me, distraction attempts to.. An unwanted, painful text comes in at just the wrong moment… the moment I am hearing what the doctor is worried about. A once incredibly close friend, now no longer, happens to be in my sight, and on the same route as me. Reminding me of the anguish I felt, and to some extent still do. This just happens within the subsequent hour of my news… My children begin to try my patience in the next moments..
Psalm 57:2 ESV “I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills his purpose for me.”
Just like the fear, I will not allow the distractions to be successful. I put them on the back burner, to deal with after my health, which must come first after God.. So I look to the Hills, where my help comes from. The Lord, that is always with me. Yes, I am afraid, and I do get distracted momentarily, but I have to choose every single second to keep my eyes on Him. I know He has plans for me, and they are good, even if I can’t understand them. I just choose to trust the God, that has proven to me He is always there, and will always take care of me..
Zephaniah 3:17 NIV “The LORD your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.”
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