Silent Suffering

wooden path on a lake

It’s amazing how quickly life can consume you, and threaten to completely suffocate you… Oh how it has drained me, and invaded my safe places, my restful places… It has pulled me down, and I am battle weary… Time after time, I gain ground, I see where my Hope is, I focus on the Lord.. Only then do I have renewed energy, strength, and peace. Amazing grace, endless mercy, Love beyond all comprehension… How is it then that the slightest thing happens, and I lose sight of my Hope, my Lord?? This battle has been vicious and long, it is relentless, and overwhelming. It comes at me on all sides, throughout the day and the night, never ceasing… Relentless, growing, enveloping me in it’s thorny tentacles, laughing in my face, telling me I will not be ok, seeking to make me crumble out of sheer desperation.

I have this disease, Psoriatic arthritis. It doesn’t sound so bad, but let me tell you with each day, and every step I take it morphs into something worse. I have debilitating pain. Every single joint, every tissue inflamed, terrible migraines. Every. Single. Day. Complete and utter exhaustion, not the I didn’t get enough sleep kind.. It’s more like the I ran, and did manual labor non-stop for a week, and now I am going to collapse kind.. Complete depletion of all my reserves, and beyond.. My body can take no more, but sleep does not come, or it comes fitfully..

I have nightmares each night, I wake up screaming many nights. Everything is hard, everything is overwhelming. My skin gets lesions, and unheard of rashes. Oh and this is new territory, because all I had experienced in this area until now, was nothing compared to what I am currently experiencing. You see I now have the understanding of how it can affect my female parts. I have lesions inside and on my girly area. So painful… It is like having open blisters on and in there. The pain never ending..

After trying every single preventative, and treatment I could for my migraines, I was so desperate for relief, that I (after as much research as I could find) had a device implanted to alleviate the pain from the migraines. That was incredibly invasive, and painful… Thirty hours of driving in all, in whiteout conditions at times. Being hospitalized from complications of the surgery, having my head shaved, emotionally scarring me. After all of that, it does not work. Not only that, but after consulting with new doctors, better highly recommended doctors, I found out with my disease and symptoms, I should never have had that surgery. It can, has, and will exacerbate my migraines, the scar tissue on my occipital nerves causing far more harm.

Now I am looking at having to go through it all again to remove the device. I am also looking at having to have surgery on my neck to help regain strength in my right arm, and to hopefully alleviate some of my migraines.

I am completely overwhelmed. I am full of pain, sorrow, and longing to be human again… I can’t do normal things anymore. I have no life. I constantly have to cancel, or tell my friends I can not go out with, or hang out with them. Losing many in the process. Not because I want to, I am desperate to have time with those I love again… It hurts, no one can see on the outside what I am going through, they think I am a flake, or do not really want to do things with them.

I become more and more isolated… Each thing I chose to do costs me dearly… I have to be very careful with my choices, I have a limited amount of them, and I will pay for them, I always do… I have a family that needs me. I may have a day that is good here or there, and I take full advantage of them, because they are few and far between. I never know when I will have another one..

This is not life, this is a prison, and I lose more and more of myself each day… The darkness blinds me, it laughs once again… It tells me I will not be ok, there is no hope.. Why I am here anyways?? Wouldn’t everyone be better off if I were gone? If I did not burden them anymore? Couldn’t they be happy again, and normal, if only I would cease to exist? Wouldn’t their lives be better? Without me??

But that is not true… The darkness lies.

You see I have Hope, and I have Joy.. It defies all understanding.. If I look to the Lord, and all the messengers of love, hope, peace, joy, and comfort that He sends me, if I focus on Him, I can live again… It takes constant work, constant vigilance, if I do not do that, I will be consumed. I will be consumed then, because I will be looking at my circumstances, instead the truth.

The truth is my Heavenly Father is with me, He will help me bear the load, He will give me hope, joy, and peace.. And He does! I am human, I make mistakes, I focus on the pain, I focus on the hopelessness of it all, I feel overwhelmed, consumed, desperate, depressed, alone… But that is not true..

The Lord kindly, gently, lovingly, and with longing at times, reminds me of the truth. He is the truth. I am loved, He is my Hope, He is my Joy, he is my Peace, my Comfort, He is LOVE… When I redirect my focus to Him, it all fades away.. I am filled with all the things He is… My circumstances do not define me… What freedom there is in that! Yes, I will fall again, but He will pick me back up. He always does, He always has.

I see Him everywhere, in everything, I hear His voice.. How beautiful, how gentle, how strong! He takes the time to speak to me, because I am His… He loves me, and nothing else matters…

If you suffer, I pray that you find Him. I can not imagine life without Him. I would not be here anymore.. I will gladly speak privately to you if you have any opinions, or questions about any of this. I do not have all the answers, but I can get them, or put you in touch with people that do. There is no judgement here, only love, and hope. I love you all my friends…

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#pain #suffering #silence #hurt #life health #God #faith #hope #healing #joy #Jesus

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