I have been living in this place of hurt, anger, rejection, disappointment, and life completely spiraling out of control. My health continues to be an issue for me, my kids continue to challenge me, and in my attempt to reconnect/grow relationships with family, I have only found more anger, and discontentment.
In my efforts to regain control/make some headway somewhere, anywhere, I have fallen further down the rabbit hole. I have been struggling friends… My recent surgery to alleviate the pain from my migraines, has helped some, but I continue to have them every day. In addition to that, the surgery itself has further complicated my families’ and my life. I live with new and greater pain. I am limited in what I am able to do, so much so I have had to step back from ministry for a time.
This isn’t what I wanted…this isn’t what was supposed to happen.
I wanted to be better and dive deeper into ministry. I wanted to be healthier, feel better, be able to do normal things again. I want to be able to clean my house all by myself, to do the grocery shopping and errands my family needs done, to work, workout, have a sport I can do for fun, take up my hobbies again, sleep, be human again… That is what this feels like…I feel subhuman. I wanted to break free from the prison of this body I am in. I want to be happy again, to be me.
In my attempts to grow and maintain once lost family relationships, I have encountered more hurt and rejection. Anger surfaced once again, justified without question, but I do not want to live with it.. Further twisting the knife in my heart. The knife tears at me then..
I live in hurt, I am depressed. I feel lost, I feel myself spiraling out of control, the ground beneath my feet disappears. I am left grasping for anything to hold onto. I fall further, deeper, I try in so may ways to find the Hand that reaches for me, but I try in all the wrong ways… Sure, I listen to worship music almost constantly, read my Bible, pray, but smaller prayers, desperate prayers, one way prayers that do not listen for a response. I surround myself with other trusted believers, go to church, listen to sermons online, and I seek the Lord half heartedly.
That is the truth of it… It’s all empty if I am not actively seeking the Lord and His will. In the last couple of weeks, when I was able to go to church, we were supposed to pray for a moment about something. I do not recall what, because I remember knowing that I know what God wants me to do, and I am actively (for the most part) doing it. But I took that moment to pray, “what do you want me to know Lord?” I listened, truly this time, He said, “seek Me.”
Wow, that took me aback. I thought that I was, but without realizing it I fell off track. My health, my circumstances, my hurt steered me there. And why, how? Well that is simple, as Lysa TerKeurst says, “we steer where we stare.” That is just what I was doing, not intentionally, but that is just the thing. I need to “be intentional,” the words God gave me at the beginning of last year…
By not purposefully seeking Him, by not focusing on Him, by allowing my pain, difficulties, and frustrations to be my focus, He no longer was. I put God on the back burner unintentionally. I became unintentional with Him. I allowed all of those other things to consume me.
So He has redirected my focus, as He is a good God. I had to ask Him for help, He answered that call. It may not have been what I wanted to hear, but it was true, and it hurt…
The hurt was good though.
Months of sleepless nights, have now ended. Last night, without the aid of anything else, I slept better than I have in I don’t know how long… And God gave me a new word, “Abide… Abide in Him…”
I feel whole again, I have been corrected, lovingly..
So here I am writing again, just as He has shown me so very many times He wants me to do, through so many different means… I want to be a blank canvas, and in a way I am…
Christ paved the way for me, to the Lord, I am precious, perfect, and new. But the fact of the matter is, in this world I am marred, torn, and damaged. I can not be, we can not be, perfect and new, not here. From the moment of our conception we are marred. Every single decision our parents have made. Their parents have made, and their parents parents have made. As well as the decisions they will make, we will make, and all of the decisions that others make, are a stroke on that canvas. They cause damage to the canvas that we are. We need a Professional, the Only Professional to carefully restore the canvas, and to create a new, far more beautiful and precious work of art.
That is what The Lord is doing with me, is doing with all of us that follow Him, that seek Him…
I do not know what He has in store for me… I will abide in him, and He will make me into something far more valuable, far more precious, far more effective than anything I could ever hope to be. I am anxious to see what He will make of me, I know the process will involve difficulty, it will involve more change, there will be pain as the process of restoration is challenging, but it is so worth it…
So here I sit, anxiously and NOT always patiently, LOL, waiting, listening, and seeking Him. He draws me near, draws you near, to help us become all that He knows we can be.. What is the Lord saying to you my friend? Will you listen? Will you become all that He has in store for you to be? Join me in this, be more, be love, be intentional, and be more effective. Answer the call, you will not ultimately, regret it!
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