I sit here alone, completely enveloped in my thoughts and emotions…. They run low, and deep, like a strong current twisting through the darkest corners of my mind. Immersed in the stench of the muck, and mire, I can not move. I can not help myself. I’m so low, I fear I can go no lower.. I hurt so deeply, so completely.. I bleed anguish and pain. Oozing with the purulent debris of my heartache.. It threatens to overwhelm me, to fully consume me to a point that is so dangerous, so hopeless. Thoughts run through my head, situations unravel, twist, and tangle about, all at the same time. Dare I tell anyone how low I have gone? They won’t understand… I know I have to tread so carefully, so lightly, lest I fall into the vast abyss of my emotions.
Such is the state of my mind as I live with anxiety, PTSD, depression, and an empathetic heart that loves deeply. In a moment my world can crash around me. Only God can change that for me, if I look to Him.
For the longest time now, life has happened TO me. Even in my best times, I still haven’t seen the choices I could make, the power I actually had to change my circumstances. Relationships ending, leaving me my confused, frustrated, and my heart broken, full of pain. I stand here now uncertain. Which way do I turn, how do I salvage what is left of these relationships? Is it even possible? Is it even worth the trouble, the risk, the heartache? What if I do make a decision to set a boundary, will I lose these relationships?
As I weigh these questions and relationships in my mind, I feel so conflicted. I don’t want to allow my past hurts to shape my current relationships. Although it is hard not to.. I am a person that goes deep with others. I feel deeply.. love deeply.. and hurt deeply.. That is a good thing, as it allows me to fully open my life up to my friends, forging deep connections. Although it can also open me up to deep anguish. That is the place I am in right now.
Actions speak louder than words.. I hear words of affirmation, with no actions to support those words. In fact, the actions are in stark contrast to the words spoken.
When I am the only one putting effort into the relationship, time after time, what kind of relationship is it truly? When time, love, forgiveness, and sharing can be made in regards to others, but not me, what does that really say? Oh the words spoken to me offer me hope, but there is no evidence to support those words. Why then do I hang on, and hope? I want to cut off the painful relationships, but don’t want my past hurts to be the reason. That is what i truly fear.. I am afraid if I make a decision, because of their actions, that I will end something that never would have ended. That I will self destruct my life. So I hang on.
That is until now..
Actions speak louder than words.. God is showing me the truth here, they are showing my the truth here..
It is time for me to take charge of my life. I am not a bystander, so why act like one?
Do not ignore what people show you to be true. That is what I am learning. I am not cutting anything off. I just am not allowing myself to be hurt anymore. I am setting boundaries. Boundaries are good. Just like I won’t allow anyone toxic to be in my life, nor should I, I will not allow a relationship that has become toxic to hurt me anymore.
You see the rain always fell on me, and I covered my head to shelter myself from the storm. Sometimes however, you need to let the rain fall to cleanse your soul. I am there now. I let the rain fall, both literally and figuratively.
I came out of that storm feeling refreshed and new.
I have a clearer vision now.
I can see these relationships for what they are. So I no longer allow them to cause me any further anguish. I am focusing on the friends and family, that love me. That pour into me. For too long now I have been distracted trying to mend relationships that were never intended to be repaired. I have wasted my time, heart, and energy on the wrong people. I found that I question myself, not trusting my own judgment far too often..
I hear the Holy Spirit in the quiet still part of my heart and mind. Unfortunately time and time again, I have not listened, thinking I know better, I can fix this. I was wrong.. I only brought more pain into my life by attempting to do so. Also losing my focus on The Lord. Well no more..
I will focus on God, and the people He has brought into my life, that love, support, encourage, and hold me accountable. The people that make time for me, the people who are there when I need them the most. My true friends, and family. I love them, and I love myself enough to change.
Change is hard. Painful even. But it is for the better.
I will focus on God more, and relationships second. I will not waste my time, energy, tears, and heart on people that will not appreciate and be careful, with my gentle heart. I have value, God says so. So I will look to Him and let Him tell me where to invest.
I have a beautiful future ahead of me, if only I look to the Lord for direction. Eyes on Him alone. I want to be His masterpiece. So shape me Lord… I submit my life, all of me, to You alone..
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