I have so many conflicting feelings at this time of the year. I have the joy of time spent with the family I love, that loves me, yet I also dread the pain it will bring. That pain is both physical and emotional. Physically it will be quite difficult for me to bear. I will have intense migraines, which have already begun in anticipation of the upcoming stress, noise, and emotional distress I am already feeling in regards to other family situations.. I will have extreme joint pain, and physical pain all over my body from the nights not spent in my own therapeutic bed, and the walks I will take to try to decompress, and alleviate my migraines with the crisp cool air.
I look forward to this time with my family as well. There will be meaningful conversations with my sisters, and time spent making memories with all of my family, some playing games, some on those walks, some in the kitchen helping my mother in-law with thanksgiving dinner. Still others will be time spent with my nieces, nephew, and children. I look forward to the country time, slow, and quiet.. Time walking and talking to the cows, to Bella, time searching for eggs, and kittens, time appreciating the serenity God has blessed us with there.. There will be time to share difficulties, and triumphs. God will meet us there where we lift our burdens to Him, and have community, the community which He designed us to desire, and need.
Yet my heart is also broken… There will be family not seen, not heard from, family that will be missing. My beautiful eldest daughter and my soon to be, son in law, will be with my parents, where I am unable to go.. My sister, her husband and children, in another part of the country, unable to make it here, and us there. The separation is so hard, but at least I do have my sister and her family, and my Daughter and son in law in my life. For that I thank the Lord, He is the Healer that brought us back together. I will see them soon, although I do wish it could be much sooner..
Then there is my most recent and raw heartbreak.. The family that no longer wants us. Oh how that hurts.. I (we) have tried everything.. I have been loving, kind, patient, apologized for any hurt that may have been caused, all so far, to no avail. In my last communication I did just that. I apologized from my heart, sincerely trying to mend whatever is broken. I made it known that my children are unaware of all that has transpired.. They desperately want to see them. I told them I would give them my trust if they choose to see them. They don’t have to see me, or us, to see our children. To which I received a monotone response, accepting my apology, indicating I am forgiven, and without mention whatsoever of seeing the children.
I have tried so hard to shield my children, both for their sake, and for the sake of those that are choosing this path. Unfortunately the question arose, which it obviously, inevitably would. While it was just the two of us in the car, my son asked, “what about (them) will we see (them)? I would be sad not see all of our family.” I took a long deep breath, and carefully weighed my response. I couldn’t ignore the question, but I also didn’t want him to know. I still have hope, and am trying so hard to do damage control all the way around. After a quick prayer, and some thought, I told him, “I’m sorry, no we aren’t going to see them. I am sad too, we are sad..”
The long and short of it was I had to explain that they just hurt too much to see us right now. That it has nothing to do with any of us, and we (you) haven’t done anything wrong, it is just too painful for them. We are still trying, and hope that one day they will feel better. We can pray for them to feel better, that God heals their hurt, and hope that they will feel well enough to see us again one day.
My kids (once we told our daughter) were both sad to hear this of course, but there was no way around it. The last thing I want is for my kids to feel a sense of guilt, rejection, or to be angry with them. I have done my best to shield all involved in this situation, so that reconciliation can still occur, more easily.. The good thing is my kids are so forgiving. It should be relatively easy for my kids to accept them back, when they are ready, I thank God for that..
God has helped me to forgive them, and continue to do so. I am grateful for that. My heart is broken, but that is because I love them, and want them to be in our lives. Our relationship is currently broken, and God does not want that, we don’t want that, I don’t even think they do.. They just hurt too much for healing right now, too much to see that the door that has been opened wide in front of them, that they simply, need only walk through. So I pray.
Prayer is the only way through any of this. Life is not perfect, we live in a fallen world. I couldn’t do this, couldn’t get through all of this hurt, this pain, without God. I thank Him for giving me the strength to get through, and to forgive. Otherwise I would be a very bitter person, that would have seemingly no reason to go on.
I can’t imagine going through all of this, through life, without Him. It is no wonder people turn to the vices they do… to taking their own lives.. It is all so overwhelming… If I didn’t have the Lord, my Faith, my Hope, my Joy, my Peace, I would be in that same situation. I thank God for helping me to get through this. He is the only reason I am still ok, even though I hurt immensely in every way.. God gives me the hope and peace to get through. Yes the emotions will arise again, but God will be there when I ask Him to take them away, and fill me with peace, time and time again.. His mercy, grace, and love is infinite.. He has all I (we) need, if only we ask..
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