Little did I know, that this crisp frosty Autumn morning held a special blessing for me. As the sun shone brightly, I saw her gorgeous shimmering gold spun hair fully illuminated, sparkling as it was wrapped in the sun’s kiss of light. Then she turned, and her beautiful glowing face smiled at me sweetly, as her tiny hand came up to wave goodbye to me. Twice… My heart soared, as this has no longer been a part of her routine with me of late. I sat their filled with joy, hope, my heart full, but in that same moment I took a mental snapshot of this precious fleeting memory. Just like that moment I took in so very long ago, though only yesterday it seems…
I can still feel her in my arms, her warmth, her soft sweet baby scent, her tiny gentle breaths, and soft grunting/clicking/cooing sounds as she fell asleep, the weight of her in my arms, so full they felt as if they would give way after a time, Her soft fleece resting against my skin, her skin… her soft sweet silky warm skin against mine. Oh that moment… I knew it could be one of the last in that season of life, so I soaked it in saying, “I will always, always, remember this” closing my eyes to fully immerse myself in her precious tininess, allowing my senses to become fully alive and completely intoxicated with her, to retain that incredibly beautiful, and soon to become, distant memory.
Just like that day so long ago, I quickly realized this moment too could be the last in this season of life. I was filled with sorrow and anguish momentarily, tears coming freely to wet my cheeks. Just as quickly as my emotions changed, God reminded me of that precious memory I now have, that He also spoke to my heart long ago. So, I took a mental snapshot, and I will always, always, remember this morning, this gift God gave me. How good is our God that He would help me to be so keenly aware of a moment so beautiful, and so fleeting all at the same time? Yet He loves me enough to do so. So now I have two memories so very dear, so full of emotion, that it is incredibly hard to write this.
My eyes are blurry full of the weighty, warm, salty tears that role down my wet cheeks and nose, and fall to my desk as I continue to write. My heart full of gratitude, love, and sorrow.. Though I need not feel that sorrow, this is all normal, and I have the blessing of this memory. I recall how just last week, I thought, “when did the last time happen? I missed it..” I went to my small group, and had a conversation with my fellow blogger, we spoke for a little while about my current struggle, and how it would be in my next post. As I stood there looking at her beautiful young face, her perfect little baby bump, knowing she has a toddler at home as well, I knew she was not yet in this season. (Although I remember well the struggles of that season of life.) Tears were flowing freely and unexpectedly as I told her of my deep heartbreaking pain of no longer being in that season. These were the kind of tears that flow heavily, without crying, yet unable to be thwarted. I was embarrassed knowing this was all so normal, but even so I was incredibly emotional about it. Although I shouldn’t have been embarrassed, our kids growing up, is a very emotionally difficult thing to watch. At times we have tears of joy, moments of elation, at times we are frustrated, impatient, but still at other times their “normal” brings our hearts sorrow. Motherhood is not for the faint of heart.
I am reminded of how our children are one of our best insights into what the Father goes through with us. God uses our children to teach us. Through this gift, we see how like our children we are in God’s eyes, but also what we can do to change. At times He is full of joy at the attention and growth He sees in us. Other times we turn our backs on Him, by putting other things first, other people perhaps, or just plain not focusing on Him. There are so very many things to distract us in this world, in this life. How we must hurt His heart when we do not spend time with Him… say good morning.. say goodnight.. or go about our day without thinking about, or talking to Him throughout. Ahhh, I am guilty of this.. I do so well for awhile. Then before I know it, I am less available to Him. How that must hurt Him.. Although, I know because of the gift of my children, how much joy we bring Him as well.. How much joy I can bring Him, if I am intentional.
So I strive to do my best. I will fail at times, I will have seasons of life that are transforming, usually through hardship, but I will be better as a result. Just as my children will be with each season of their lives. These have to happen to transform them, and us. Otherwise they would never be ready to leave our homes, and we would completely fall apart when they did. This change is necessary, and good. Although I admit it doesn’t feel that way. Then again, it doesn’t feel that way as I go through hardships, and trials either.. Ultimately however I am better for them, I am being sanctified, and transformed into who I really am, who I really am meant to be.
Change is hard, but good. So I will remember that as each season comes and goes, and I will pray for more gifts like this morning, and like that seemingly endless late night so long ago. Defining moments that I will always, always, remember, and will be able to recall when I am in a new and difficult season. Just as there are moments of my own life that I recall were so difficult, but in the end God helped me to be better having gone through them, or in-spite of going through them depending on the circumstances for the hardship. Those memories are the gifts that God uses to help me get through each new trial. For that I am forever grateful. Oh how He loves us, how He loves me… a love so unfathomable, understanding so much deeper than our own. I can not think of a grater gift, or anyone else hands I would rather be in. Thank you Lord for your unexpected blessings..
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