Seeing Beyond the Hurt

I had so much hope in my last post. I wish I could say things are better… but they are significantly worse. I still have hope, God can do anything… After my last post, my husband had a meeting. We had so much prayer going into this, individually, our family, our friends, and our church family came along side us. With love and reconciliation on our hearts and minds, my husband met with hopes of reconciliation. Unfortunately things did not go well. I sat there praying, and was sick to my stomach over what he was going to have to go through, on his own. I hoped.. I hoped so greatly, that after all of the hurt that occurred, we could find reconciliation. I had not replied to any of the hurtful things said or done, I loved them, I honored them, and I was kind to them. Surely my silence over things I had every right to defend on my children’s behalf, but that I chose not to, rather listening to what God told me to do (to say nothing) would give them pause to reconsider. That I was not judging them, and would not hold any of this against them, in fact I forgave them in my heart. That God’s Holy Spirit would be allowed to move, to show truth and to bring healing. We had no idea what he would be met with.

I sat there patiently waiting. I prayed that when he came back and spoke to me of all that had transpired, I would be able to listen, and not react, at least outwardly. The last thing he would need in that moment, would be my emotions on top of all the emotions I knew he would already be bearing. God answered that prayer. There is no other way I could have remained patient and silent, with all that I was about to hear. I was calm and collected on the outside, so he was able to unload the hard, and eventually even vile things he heard. Initially he was met with shouts and accusations of how he didn’t want our son to know his mother. I couldn’t even begin to understand why in the world they would think that… My husband loved her, of course he wants (we both in fact, want) our son to know her.

I wish they knew of how my husband spoke of her, and speaks of her when Isaac asks, or when the moment arises. I wish they knew how I speak of her, and how I point out things about him that resemble her. I wish they knew the hours upon hours I spent sifting through photos, to put albums together of her, for him… Before, and after he was born, so he could know her better. I wish they knew that though, at that time, that caused me great pain, I did it.. I did it because I love him, because it was right, and because I would want the same done if it were me. I wish they knew how just a week or so ago, I sat down with my children, going through their baby books, and photos from their first year of life. I wish they knew of my deep love for him… He is my son… He is her son.. He is born of my heart and dreams, carried there for so long… Yet, I did not get to carry him, and hold him close in his first years. I wish they could see the blessing of him being so loved, by so many. I wish they did not think things that are just not true. That’s the thing though about wishing, it doesn’t make it so, so I pray… God can do anything…

After that initial confrontation, my husband was able to speak to them calmly. He gently guided the direction of the conversation, by giving them the choice of two avenues for further discussion. Though he and I had hoped for reconciliation, there was none to be found as far as their relationship with us was concerned, in their eyes. That made me sad, as I do love them, and hate division, but their minds were made up, and we had to respect that. So they went forward, calmly discussing things for awhile. Then my husband asked them to please do only one thing, and that was to still see their chosen granddaughter, when they saw their grandson. After-all, for the last five years, by their choice (much to our surprise, even when we told them we did not expect them to treat her as such) they chose to treat her as their own grandchild. They said she was just so sweet and lovable, that they loved her, and wanted to do so. So they did, and that was a blessing, so unexpected, and so loving of them to do. That filled a hole in our daughter’s heart, from all the rejection she had faced in her little life, to that point. She had lost so much, and she prayed for a family, and God gave to her abundantly..

What happened next was unexpected, but more than that, what followed those next words, was unimaginable.. My husband was told absolutely not, and let me tell you why…
To say what they said, is so vile, I can not believe that they could think it.. I will not even repeat the words that were said. It was completely disgusting. I can only surmise that they have been driven mad with grief. I do not judge them for that. I hurt for them for that reason. I can not imagine what they have endured.. I am so proud of my husband for handling that with such grace, patience, love, and truth.. My husband was able to stand up for his daughter, and his son also in doing so. I am proud of him for that, and that he did so in love.

Ultimately, they chose to not see either of them. They told my husband that they would rather not see their grandson, if they have to see their granddaughter. I can not wrap my mind around that concept. I am terribly brokenhearted to hear all of this, but glad to be made aware, so that I could better understand what we are dealing with. Perhaps in time, they will realize what they have said, and chosen to be wrong. I pray that they allow God to heal and work on their hearts, so we can move forward.

Well, I thought I had been put to the test before… this was the ultimate test for me to this point.. I had to ask God to restrain my anger over the words so wrongfully spoken of my children.. and to quell the storm inside my breaking heart over all that was lost, and what yet may be lost.. I needed to turn to the Lord, for comfort, wisdom, and and how to move forward both loving and honoring Him, and loving and honoring them. I was at a complete loss. As I was trying to reconcile how to move forward, to mend things, I felt a small little voice inside me saying, stop, stop trying to force this, you have tried so hard, you listened to my instructions, stop, and rest..

With a heavy heart we returned home. I asked how she seemed, when he held her for the last few minutes before he left. He told me “devastated.” I said, “I am so sorry…” I then asked “was she devastated enough to talk to me so we could work this out, and put it behind us?” He told me “absolutely not. I will have to talk to them again.” Oh how that broke my heart so much more… I hate that she feels that way.. I want her to feel better, to see we as mothers can come together for the sake of the children, that I don’t hold all the things she said about me, or my kids against her. She was just coming from a place of deep hurt, and while we do not pretend to know her hurt, we do understand that. That I still want to have a relationship with her.. We can just move forward. That I still love and care about her. To let her know she didn’t lose me, or us.. How awful it must be to be so broken, but not be bendable enough, to make things better?? If only in the breaking, she allowed God to come in and do what only He can do..

In the coming days, I would tearfully speak to my Godly council separately, only to hear the same thing over and over again… I had truly done all that I could, I listened to God even when everything inside of me was screaming to do it my way, to stand up for what was right, to defend my children, and our integrity. I obeyed my Lord. This was not my failure, as the enemy would have me believe. I didn’t do things perfectly, but I did listen, and I did my absolute best, and did so in love. This was not about me, or my children. This was about their deep unimaginable hurt, and their relationship with God. If only they would allow God to bring them some healing… He would so gladly do so.. Nothing will ever be the same for them again, and my heart hurts so much for them.. God can give them new direction though, He can bring some peace to their hurting hearts. I pray that for them. Do not judge them, they are hurting, and hurting people sometimes hurt people, but they hurt themselves most of all… Pray for them, Pray for healing of their hearts and minds. Pray that God restores them. Pray that they allow God to restore them..

I learned so much here, how to love the hurting, even when they hurt you. I learned to be fully broken, so God can come in and heal me. Learning that being incredibly broken, but not enough to bend to God’s will, only brings more hurt, has been eye opening. I learned to forgive what seems unforgivable. I am reminded that I am that person too… God forgave me, though I was, and am, unforgivable. We must extend the grace given us, to others. Otherwise, why should we receive that grace? I also learned there can be, and is, so much more going on than what you can see in someone else’s life. Of all the ill and misguided thoughts, that they have had of me over the years. All the while I was actually on the same team as them, trying to be at least. You truly can never understand all that someone has and continues to go through… I also learned a completely new type of forgiveness, as I made a choice to forgive the terrible things said of my children. I admit, that was incredibly difficult.. But time and time again, God has shown me how important forgiveness is.

Friends, forgiveness isn’t about letting someone off the hook, or saying what they did or said was ok. Forgiveness is about letting go, freeing yourself, so as to not harbor anger and bitterness in your own heart. Which only hurts you, and separates you from God. In the process of choosing to forgive, God has helped me to feel it in my heart. Although the enemy sure likes to try to bring those words back to my mind, to stir up anger.. I have to actively say no, when he tries to take me there, and remember what God says. To remember they are hurting, and don’t realize what they are saying. So my friends, be wise, be kind, and love one another as best you can. I am reminded of these scriptures;

Romans 12:18 ESV “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”

John 13:34 ESV “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.”

Galatians 5:22-23 ESV “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.”

Psalm 37:30 NIV “The mouths of the righteous utter wisdom, and their tongues speak what is just.”

1 Peter 4:8 NLT “Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins.”

1 Corinthians 13:1-13 NIV “If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

#hurt #love #faith #forgiveness #God #family #life #learning #pain #difficulty #hope

One thought on “Seeing Beyond the Hurt

  1. So sorry for your hurt, April. It’s amazing how God continues to use broken circumstances for His good and to build us up even when we don’t see any good in the situation. It sounds like the Holy Spirit is continuing to do a great and changing work in you. I’ll pray for you and your family. Thank you for sharing.

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